Monday, December 31, 2007

Top Ten Nonsense Of 2007

Never ask me to list the best films of the year. I hate ratings and I hate assigning certain values to films according to particular criteria. But it's the year-end, and everyone's busy coming up with lists. Just to mark the end of another year, here's my Top Ten Nonsense of 2007.

10. In the grand spirit of "new wave arty westerns" like The Assassination Of Jesse James By The Coward Robert Ford, I'm going to make ponderous, non-action westerns with long-winded titles nobody can remember, starting with Existential Shootout At OK Corral Between Two Cowboys That Never Happened Because They Got Too Busy Pondering On And Getting Into A Discussion About The Meaning Of Life.

9. Everyone's talking about the sauna room fight in Eastern Promises, but if Viggo had a huge junk, it would have been mighty interesting to see him swing it and smash it into some guy's face, bringing about a new history of violence.

8. Nicolas Cage has gone from being interestingly quirky to perfecting that deer-in-headlights look, plus frog-with-constipation as a bonus. Since he's into treasure-hunting these days, I'd love to see him replace Harrison Ford in Indiana Jones And The Kingdom Of The National Treasure 2: Book Of Secrets.

7. Unlike 5 billion other people on the planet, I thought Ratatouille was mediocre. Pixar should save itself by going all-out adult and making an animated film about automobiles having acrobatic sex in a junkyard, called Rust, Caution.

6. Aliens Vs Predator: Requiem, despite a name-change in these parts to Aliens Vs Predator 2, was still a disgrace to the human brain. But I like the idea of pitting two iconic cinematic figures against each other, so next week I will be pitching my script idea for Pontianak Vs Orang Minyak: Requiem.

5. Damn if there isn't a trend now for motor vehicles in action films, like Remp-It and Impak Maksima. I got this crazy idea after seeing how Hollywood crossed geographical boundaries with 2 Fast 2 Furious: Tokyo Drift. So, next week too, I'm going to pitch my new script, 2 Impak 2 Maksima: Orchard Rd Drift, to be set in, yes, Singapore! The MDA and Singapore Film Commission are going to love it!

4. Viral marketing seems to be working well for The Dark Knight. So I propose viral marketing for Cicakman 2. First we announce that his new nemesis will be The Biawak. Then we slowly reveal what The Biawak will look like, with a few decoy character concept drawings that look like Crayon Shinchan in leotards to throw fans off. Then we announce a surprise cameo by a famous superhero and keep them speculating. Closer to the release date, we reveal in a special, exclusive six-minute clip shown before the screening of 2 Impak 2 Maksima (which we'll also post on YouTube and claim that it was "leaked," which will surely cause a frenzy) that the surprise cameo is none other than ... Kluang Man!

3. Since they're making live-action films of classic anime series like Dragonball and Speed Racer, with young, hot Caucasian actors playing the leads, I would really love to see a live-action Hollywood version of Doraemon. It's been around since the 70s, so the time is just ripe. Let's see, we could have Shia LeBouf playing Nobita, with Jessica Alba as Shizuka, Jack Black as Giant, while Doraemon will be a CGI character created with motion-capture technology using the physical performance of Andy Serkis. The film will be directed by action-meister Uwe Boll.

2. Jangan Pandang Belakang made a killing at the box-office. Surely, with such success, there must be a sequel in the works. But logically, they can only make up to five sequels before there can be no more. Why? Well, Jangan Pandang Depan, Jangan Pandang Atas, Jangan Pandang Bawah, Jangan Pandang Kiri, Jangan Pandang Kanan ... see what I mean?

1. Cumi Vs Ciki: Requiem!


COPYRIGHT POLICY: It's simple: Steal my stuff and I'll kick you in the nuts